Finding and Keeping Love with Lisa Clampitt
Even before officially becoming a professional matchmaker, Lisa had always been obsessed with setting people up. She believes that if someone does not want to be alone, they should not be- and has spent the past twenty years helping people find their match. In a world where internet dating has become the reality for most singles, it is Lisa’s hope that if people just look up from their phones, engage in the world and be open, that the possibilities expand exponentially for finding connection. Lisa and her team of matchmakers recently did a panel discussion at the studio on how to find and keep love. The main takeaways were to be open, curious and authentic. Throw away the list of what a perfect match looks like. Instead, focus on how you want the relationship to feel, how are you showing up in it, and are you invested enough to dig below the surface and give your date/partner a real chance to shine. Above all, Lisa encourages everyone to be on the lookout for that person who appreciates their own unique kind of weird.
How did you get into matchmaking?
There is nothing more important than finding a partner in life. I was a social worker for several years before I become a matchmaker. I was burned out in social work and was trying to figure out what to do next. This is in the 90's when matchmaking was not a popular or well known profession. I randomly picked up New York Magazine and saw an ad for a dating service and I could not believe what I was seeing. Matchmaking is a profession??!!??! I convinced a matchmaking company to bring me on as their relationship expert. I then was the East Coast Director for the Millionaire Matchmaker when she first started her business in 2000 and then went on to open up my own company, Lisa Clampitt Matchmaking (previously VIP Life) in 2001 and have been a New York City matchmaker ever since.
Are there similarities you found between your former career as a social worker and as a matchmaker?
Yes, a lot of similarities. The love of helping people resolve issues in life. You have to be curious, ask a lot of questions, read between the lines and truly believe that everyone has a diamond within. You create a space in which people are truly seen. This judgement free zone will allow people to be vulnerable. Only in this environment can you gain trust. When people are truly vulnerable you can service them best. Social Work and Matchmaking are both extremely important jobs that can help guide and change people's lives.
It sounds like your match was a whirlwind romance! How did you know your husband was the one?
I believe in having a few key things you want in a partner and then throw everything else out. Be as open minded as possible. So you need your core values, your relationship goals and a couple nice to haves. Once you see it, grab it! So for me, I had to have a brilliant funny man that loved nature, animals and wanted to have a family. I saw my husband across the room, shouted out some opening line, he invited me to sit next to him and after 20 minutes asked me to marry him. We were married in under two months by Elvis in Vegas. He is a brilliant professor, curator of herpetology at the American Museum of Natural History, he is funny, kind, and comes from a good midwest family, so is loyal. It was easy to calculate all these qualities quick enough say yes to this stranger and we have been married for over 16 years and have two adopted children and an adopted dog to boot.
What is your go-to advice for the single ladies and men out there on how to find the right match?
Follow my advice and know your core values, relationship goals and three must haves, then be open to anyone that comes your way. Say yes more often, look around you and make eye contact, smile, invite folks to speak with you, approach, be kind, be open and when you find it, focus.
And what about how to keep a relationship strong once you are in one?
Finding someone seems like the hard part, but sticking with a relationship and keeping it thriving is a lot harder. Relationships take work. You need to make sure you have rules for communication, schedule date nights weekly (even if you have kids) and never take the other person for granted. And the biggest nugget is.... Always see what you love about the person rather than focusing on what you don't like. That is a relationship saver. Also, try to see your partners perspective, even when you are mad. Hard to do but important.
Is New York more difficult than other cities to find true love? If so, why?
New York is hard because we are all too smart and busy. But it is also a great place to meet intelligent go getters. The key is to be open and focus on the person in front of you rather than always going for the bigger better deal. Stop the ADD that New York can induce. The more open you are to the possibilities of life/love the more opportunities you open up for yourself. You can believe you will find love or you can believe that there is no love for you, either way you are right. We create our own reality.
Do you think rules like ‘never kiss on a first date” or ‘wait X amount of time to sleep with someone’ should be followed?
I would say, be curious on a date, ask a lot of fun questions beyond a resume, flirt, let someone know you like them, and for the love of god, text back/call back when someone reaches out to you. Games do not work on relationship oriented men and women. Rules/games only work on players.
You have 12 hours and free rein in Blank Studio — what do you do?
Have an amazing gathering of New Yorkers and talk about finding and keeping love in our beautiful city.
What are 5 of your favorite resources right now?
Maybe You Should Talk with Someone by Lori Gottlieb
The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes
5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great by Dr. Terri Orbuch
The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins (basically all books with 5 in it, lol) and ANYTHING by Brene Brown